Apparently I straighten my hair when I'm upset.

I feel better now: my hair is nice, sleek, and shiny.

I think I probably do it because at a subconscious level (or a superficial level, to be more prescice) it puts me in closer proximity to the culturally idealistic vision of the Pretty Girl, the American Girl, the Girl that Everyone Likes.

Too bad superficiality only goes so far.

Okay I'm so sorry but I was just talking to my friend and she provided me with a great piece of motivation!  Her roommate is about 4'9'' and weighs about 160 lbs - she looks kind of like a female Danny DeVito (oh man I feel so mean right now) but I was over there last night and she and her friend were eating KFC and McDonalds.  The same meal!  And just now my friend told me that she saw her roommate laughing something just now "and her arms looked like California undergoing a 9.5 earthquake."

So yeah there's my inspiration for today!

Alright!  Got up at seven thirty and went to the gym.  It was fun and I felt totally in the zone but I can tell that I'm sooo out of shape.  I need to be really regular about going when it opens every morning but my study schedule is so weird that sometimes I'm up so late one day and sleeping in until one the next day.  It's kind of embarrassing.  I just need to get a schedule down!

But yeah my Writing Literary Analysis and Interpretation professor was at the gym again.  I was going to go say hi but I'm pretty sure she would have died from my stench.  Sigh.  Oh, working out.  What a love-hate relationship!

But yeah other than that I've been obsessively looking over the PA waiting room (and how silly is it that a support site has a waiting room?  I feel like this is a repeat of high school, except this time the popular girls have an application process) to distract myself from getting hungry.  And it's been working!  I haven't eaten anything yet today!  I'm going to have a yogurt later, after I make sure that's all I'm going to eat today.  Yummm yogurt.

I still feel really weird, though.  This is the first time I've been so methodical about ana.  Last time I just decided that I was a fatass (and I was, 175 lbs, my GOD) and should probably quit that eating thing.  But at the same time I was in a Girls' Fitness class that had us running for 20 minutes every morning, which probably helped me chuck that weight out of the window.  But I didn't like sit down and say to myself, "Hey Sarah!  This is anorexia.  Ready to start counting calories?"

So I guess I feel sort of... slightly poser-ish?  Slightly mechanical.  Like I'm cheating or something.  I'm trying to recapture habits I had before I regained a lot of the weight, and so I feel like maybe I don't have a place in any of the online ana communities.  Like the other girls (and guy!) are a lot more justified in being there.

BAH!  I dunno!  This was an extremely (and unnecessarily) long post, hooray!

HATBOT!

I'm probably way more excited about this than I should be.  But... also, what an honor!  Hahaha.  This is totally going in my memories.

PS: Dear lord, I'm a nerd.

So... waiting for membership in both The Waiting Room and PA.  Haha... it's kind of weirding me out.  I've never been vocal about this at all.  It still seems sick to be wanting to do this.  Am I as messed up as I feel?

Argh, man.  Are you listening to this?  Holy crap, I should be a Dashboard song.